Hi guys! How y'all doing? Wanted to blog about my trip to Lombok, but i shall leave it till next time. Just started my pupilage last week, and i just thought of blogging about it. Maybe it's too earlier to make conclusion as it has only been a week.. but well, every night when i finished work and walked to my car, i felt like crying.. almost everyday. i know this isn't suppose to be happening, as i should've expected it before i started, and i am supposed to be able to handle. but why? and i ask myself a lot of times. 

Last time when i was in High School, i always wanted to be in profession like lawyer, doctor or accountant. and i thought i am a career type person. and i thought i dont mind working extra hours to get work done. oh well. not until i finally started working and get my hands on the real work. And now every night when i get off work, i ask myself the same question over and over again. do i really want to be a lawyer? and my answer is no. i know it sounds glam when you tell people that you're a lawyer. and i sounds professional and people might think that you're actually a smart person just because you're in that profession. but then again, when you finally get to the destination maybe in 10 years time, and you look back, during the path or journey, how many things have you sacrificed for? and very often, and very surely, you sacrificed your happiness for something that you might not happy or enjoy doing it. it's so bad. and 10 years later, you might be filled with regrets. 

Well, maybe the nature of the job isn't what i wanted, and what i am looking for. or what i am interested in. i dislike reading. and to become a lawyer, it requires a lot of reading, because everyday there will be a new legislation or regulations being made, and i am not a persistent person who will keep track on the latest news. maybe i am just not suitable for this job. well. i enjoyed working in corporate. i enjoyed going to work in the morning. but during working hours, i will be as productive as i could. and i know i wouldn't get distracted too easily, as long i fill my day up with work. at the same time, i would expect to get off work on time.. maybe not on time. but dont expect me to work overtime everyday. once in a while, thats fine. and i would expect to be worry-less during the weekend or after work. i dont know if there's any office job like this lol. but then again, i ask myself, if i am working this kinda job, am i gonna be successful? am i gonna be improved? i might be just staying at the same position over the years.. because i believe, success need a lot of hard work.. but in order to be successful, you need to put in a lot of effort, and it isn't going to be easy. and there will be a lot more responsibilities on your shoulder. 

and i also understand that, my nature of job, requires a lot of reading, and a lot of effort to keep myself motivated.. i think i just need to have passion and love my job.. but hell no. i dont. i fucking dont. i really dont know what am i doing now. i totally lost and dont know where should i head to. i feel like i dont know where am i going.. and i have no idea how's my future gonna be like. 

and again.. i ask myself. do i really wanna become a lawyer? do i enjoy being a lawyer? if i dont, why  not i just stop here, and do something else? something that i enjoy doing? but, some thing still hold me back. my dignity. i know i shouldn't get influenced. but i know, i still have to complete my journey. i am almost there. i am. another 8 months till i get called to the Bar. till i become a qualified lawyer. but then again, after 8 months, when i finally get called to the Bar, am i gonna continue my journey in this field.. am i gonna become a lawyer? am i gonna work in a law firm? it's still uncertain.. if i dont wanna become a lawyer, why do i waste time on this? why dont i straight away do what i enjoy doing? haih..

well, i know there is nothing else that i could do, other than just hang in there. i probably shall give myself 9 months time, and try it out. maybe after 9 months, i will get used to it, and i will slowly like it. 

x,

J